Spoiler alert! The following discusses plot points from the new horror movie “Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey,” so beware if you haven’t seen it yet.
This is a real nasty spot of bother: What do you do with a murderous Pooh?
Now in the public domain, author A.A. Milne’s children’s book favorites Pooh and Piglet are turned from feel-good critters to ruthless killing machines in director Rhys Frake-Waterfield’s extremely gory, no-budget horror film “Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey” (in select theaters through Feb. 23). Heartwarming catchphrases like “What I like best is just doing nothing” are thrown out the window when Pooh karate-chops a dude’s face off.
Oh, but it gets worse. Here are five “Blood and Honey” moments that will likely ruin your childhood:
1. Eeyore falls victim to friendly cannibals in the 100 Acre Wood
An animated opening revisits the story we grew up with, where young Christopher Robin meets anthropomorphic pals in the 100 Acre Wood and brings them food and friendship.
Things take a dark turn, though, when Christopher goes to college, starvation sets in during winter and Pooh, Piglet, Owl and Rabbit kill and eat their buddy Eeyore. The incident essentially breaks them and they become enemies of mankind, making a pact to become feral and never speak like humans again.
2. Winnie-the-Pooh showcases his bloodlust in overalls
Maria (Maria Taylor), who’s in therapy after a creepy run-in with a stalker, needs a holiday with her five BFFs and they travel to a house near the English forest where Pooh and Co. had better times.
One of the group, Tina (May Kelly), gets lost trying to locate the place. Unfortunately, Pooh finds her first: Looking like Leatherface cosplaying as a lumberjack, he corners her in an old factory, rams her head into a piece of machinery several times and then puts her in a woodchipper.
3. Don’t mess with Piglet – or it’s hammer time
If you thought that was bad, let’s talk about Piglet. (Owl and Rabbit are nowhere to be found after the opening, by the way. And thank goodness Disney still owns the copyright to Tigger, introduced in 1928 – for now.) The porcine one is Pooh’s enforcer and hog-ties one of the vacationing women so Pooh can crush her head with a car (the old bear has given up the ways of man but still drives) and kills another by smacking his trusty sledgehammer into her face.
The absolute worst, though, is when Piglet eats one victim’s face off after Pooh pours honey on it. Piglet does get a fitting comeuppance but really, by that point the psychological damage has been done.
4. Pooh’s reunion with his friend is a torturous time
In their spare time, Pooh and Piglet have turned their treehouse into a house of horrors – fun fact: it’s powered by Piglet peddling an exercise bike – and that’s where they keep Christopher (Nikolai Leon). He returned five years after leaving to introduce his new wife Mary (Paula Coiz) to the animal crew, but instead they were attacked.
Piglet strangled Mary to death and Pooh keeps Christopher chained up, although at least the unhinged man-child bear is sort of conflicted about it: Pooh violently whips Chris’ back with Eeyore’s tail, his face a messy mix of tears and honey.
5. Christopher Robin and Pooh have one last chat
Amid the killing spree, Maria frees Christopher from his bondage and tries to escape, with the help of a posse of local dudes. Of course, they’re no match for the hard-to-kill Pooh with his machete and a squadron of bees. Final girl Maria looks doomed, too, until Christopher crashes into Pooh with a car but even that’s not enough to put him down.
Pooh puts a blade to Maria’s throat but Christopher begs for forgiveness and to let her go. “You left,” Pooh tells him, breaking his vow of silence before killing her. Chris runs away, Pooh repeatedly stabs her body and the movie suddenly ends, saving some nightmare fuel for the eventual sequel.
Read more about ‘Blood and Honey’ and other terrifying tales
Story Credit: usatoday.com