By the authority vested in me by the internet, I declare myself the sole winner of Wednesday night’s Powerball jackpot.
I recognize this announcement comes in advance of the actual drawing, but that is a mere temporal technicality. Rest assured, the numbers I have chosen – which I decline to reveal at this time, or ever – will match the numbers drawn once they have actually been drawn, which is not anything we need to wait around for.
Please make the $1.2 billion jackpot payable to “Rex Huppke.” Thank you.
Reality is what I say it is, and I say I won the Powerball jackpot
I understand that some jealous heathens will question the validity of my advance declaration of victory and financial independence. To them I say: Lawyer up. Questioning my Powerball win is defamation, according to things I’ve read on the internet, and I will come at you with the full force of what I understand to be the law.
The reality is that reality, in our present age, is whatever I say it is. Anything is possible. You can believe you’re still president after losing. You can believe the world is controlled by satanic lizard people. You can believe there’s a diet that actually works just by thinking about it.
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In a column, I once declared myself “America’s most-beloved columnist.” Nobody complained or demanded a correction, so I took that as fact and have never looked back. I have also made it so that if you Google “finely sculpted man-calves,” my name comes up. Boom. I’m a god-like calves-haver.
I tweeted that I won the Powerball, therefore I did
In that vein, I choose to believe that by Thursday morning the world will recognize me as winner of the second-largest Powerball jackpot in history.
To add to the certainty of my insistence, I tweeted the following on Tuesday afternoon: “I hereby declare I have won Wednesday night’s Powerball jackpot!”
As everyone knows, Twitter is a place where very important people make very important declarations that always reflect the truth. And now, if you go to the search bar on Twitter and type in “rex huppke won powerball,” my tweet declaring my victory comes up. If that’s not proof, I don’t know what is. (Seriously, I don’t know what proof is anymore. Perhaps I can use some of my newfound riches to research that issue.)
A detailed plan for how I’ll distribute my Powerball winnings
Anyway, back to the jackpot I will soon have won thanks to America’s lack of a shared reality.
Those of you who aren’t jealous heathens are probably wondering what I’ll be doing with the winnings I preemptively claim to have won. For starters, I have a plan to share the jackpot with a number of deserving people and charitable causes, and I will be releasing that detailed and generous plan in two weeks! So definitely stay tuned for that plan.
Call me a fraud? Here come the lawyers I don’t have
The jealous heathens undoubtedly want to know how I’m going to handle it if someone with an “actual Powerball ticket” that has “numbers matching the numbers drawn” claims they “actually won the jackpot” and calls me a “shameless fraud trying to game the system.”
Well, for starters, I’ll sue that person for defamation, which is a legal term I still claim to understand without actually understanding. Then I’ll start a GoFundMe to raise money for my righteous legal fight against the tyrannical Multi-State Lottery Association and the so-called “winner.” Like-minded Americans who also want to be able to say whatever they want and have it come true will donate millions, and I will keep that money and use it for “legal work” that may or may not involve the purchase of assorted houses, islands, cars and in-home soft-serve ice cream machines.
Steve Bannon indicted over alleged fundraiser? Time for a fundraiser!
Powerball, like the game of life, is played by my rules
This is how the game is played today, folks. Nothing is impossible. And as long as we say it loudly, obnoxiously and often enough, we can all be whatever we claim to be.
— Rex Huppke, America’s most-beloved columnist, possessor of the world’s most finely sculpted man-calves and November 2022 Powerball jackpot winner
More humor and satire from Rex Huppke:
Lizzo plays James Madison’s crystal flute while racists play dog whistles.
Sen. Lindsey Graham mansplains abortion ban: ‘I picked 15 weeks.’ Got it, ladies?
What Trump and his wannabes did in one weekend should scare us all.
Story Credit: usatoday.com