A letter (probably) from embattled Republican Rep. George Santos of New York:
Dear America, the country I helped found,
My name is Republican House Speaker Kevin McCarthy.
KIDDING! It’s me, Republican Rep. George Santos of New York. You might remember me from my starring role in the hit NBC television show “Frasier” (I played the dog) or from one of my playful aliases, which include Anthony Devolder, Anthony Zabrovsky, Milton Berle and Fozzie Bear.
Since being elected President of the Universe by my amazing constituents in (NOTE TO SELF: remember to look up which district I claim I’m representing), there has been some unfortunate drama surrounding “things I’ve said” and “claims I’ve made about my background.”
Blah, blah, blah. The people of (INSERT DISTRICT NAME HERE – DON’T FORGET!) spoke when they elected me, and I plan on serving them in Congress just as I served my country as a member of SEAL Team 6 during the Clone Wars.
That said, the last thing I want to be is a distraction, so as of today I am recusing myself from the committee assignments my fellow Republicans gave me a couple of weeks ago when they apparently didn’t care about the so-called myriad lies I’ve been accused of telling.
In a conversation with my close personal friend and fellow Led Zeppelin bandmate Kevin McCarthy, we agreed it’s in the GOP’s best interest that I do not sit on the House Small Business and Science, Space and Technology committees until ongoing investigations into my finances and record-setting collegiate volleyball career are concluded.
As Speaker McCarthy said during our meeting, this move will allow me to devote more time to my central mission in Congress, which is voting for whatever he tells me to vote for.
It will also allow me to focus on my primary role as The Batman. Many of the committee meetings would have kept me tied up during peak crime-fighting hours, and I owe it to the people of Gotham City to be there for them.
Don’t just blame the media:Santos fraud scandal shows winning at all costs is costing America
Santos scammed voters:Congress has a moral duty to kick him out
I realize many Democrats are calling for me to resign simply because I may or may not have embellished details about: where I went to high school; where I went to college; what sport I played; where I worked; where my mother was on 9/11; my name; my faith; my finances; and a number of things nobody has caught onto yet. (THINK ABOUT DELETING THAT LAST PART – SOUNDS SASSY/FUN, BUT COULD BE A PROBLEM.)
I know a new Newsday/Siena College poll found that 78% of voters in (INSERT DISTRICT NAME HERE AGAIN) want me to resign, including 71% of Republican voters. But as a proud graduate of Siena College who received a master’s degree in polling, I can tell you those numbers are fake, and I would known because I invented the word “fake” in a word laboratory at the University of Oxford in 1991.
So don’t worry, George Devol … sorry, George Santos is not going anywhere, and there is nothing to these scurrilous accusations leveled against me, presumably by people jealous of the Pulitzer Prize for fiction I won in 2007 under my pen name Cormac McCarthy.
As sure as I was able to transform lead to gold in the alchemy class I taught at Harvard University, I will return to my committees once I have helped my party complete the wholesale evisceration of the word “hypocrisy.”
I appreciate your time. May God bless America and all of you, as well as my beloved husband Paul Rudd and our darling daughter Zendaya.
Most sincerely,
– George Santos-ish
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk, or contact him at rhuppke@usatoday.com
More from Rex Huppke:
California mass shootings show America is too focused on motive instead of solutions
Classified documents at Pence’s house? Where next, Reagan’s jelly bean vault?
Voters have clearly told Republicans to change their ways. GOP has said, ‘Nope.’
Story Credit: usatoday.com