I don’t mean to sound alarmist, but America faces an immediate and existential threat that should alarm you: Chinese super cows.
You read that right. CNN reported Thursday that Chinese scientists have cloned three “super cows,” bovines capable of producing “an unusually high amount of milk.”
That, in and of itself, is not terrifying, unless you’re lactose intolerant, vegan or a bowl of cereal. But given America’s adversarial relationship with China, I have to believe there’s more to these cows than milk.
Are the Chinese super cows battle-ready? Probably.
Just last week, NBC News reported on a memo sent by Gen. Mike Minihan, head of Air Mobility Command, that predicts America may go to war with China “in 2025.” The defense department quickly said Minihan’s comments “are not representative of the department’s view on China,” but clearly it was enough to prompt Chinese officials to create super cows that I assume are battle-ready.
Along with being trained in hand-to-hoof combat and presumably equipped with flank-mounted Holstein-to-air missiles, these cloned cows can produce nearly twice as much milk as an average American cow.
We know nothing at this point about the udder velocity of super-cow milk. Could it be armor-piercing? On a milk-flooded battle field, could our tanks even gain traction? Answers to these questions are vital to our national security.
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America must beef up its defenses to stop super cows
As a proud graduate of the Missouri Academy of Military Agriculture, I can tell you this: America’s outdated Tactical Chicken Corps and even the proud 25th Infantry Division Fightin’ Heifer Brigade are no match for the herd China is assembling.
The most obvious response, of course, is for America to swiftly clone its own military super cows. But that guarantees a new Cold Milk War, where the only deterrence is mootually assured destruction. (Sorry.)
I can’t counsel such a decision. There’s just too much at steak. (I’m so sorry.)
When faced with a hostile army of super cows, what’s the answer?
The first rule of strategic farm-to-farm combat is to know your enemy. So what do cows fear? According to a leading database of military strategy knowns as “Google,” cows have “an inherent fear of unfamiliar objects, situations, smells, sudden movements and noises.”
This would suggest one sensible path: cloning a battalion of overly anxious squirrels. But squirrels are known for being the rebels of the rodent family, so unit cohesion would undoubtedly be a problem. Also, nuts are expensive.
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How about some small but ferocious turtles?
Further research led me to an instructive video titled “Group Of Cows Is So Scared Of Tiny Turtle.” It was a true “Ah-hah!” moment. A large group of cows was indeed terrified of a tiny turtle.
So our cloning path is clear. China’s army of super cows will be no match for the U.S. 102nd Groundborn Super Tiny Turtle Brigade. The Fearsome Turts!
This will avert a potential dairy disaster, and maintain the peace.
Unless China finds a way to weaponize milkshakes. Then America, even with its elite STRAW Team Six, is doomed.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk, or contact him at rhuppke@usatoday.com
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