ACCORDING to the Cambridge English Dictionary, a miracle is “an unusual and mysterious event thought to have been caused by a god because it does not follow the usual laws of nature”.
The NHS needs a miracle to save it.
8Even the poor nurse looked horrified as she asked bald, beer-swilling, former rugby-playing David if he was pregnant8Endless red tape is pandering to those unwilling to accept that 74-year-old blokes will never experience their waters breakingCredit: AlamyWhich is fitting, because it is now expecting modern day miracles of its increasingly bewildered patients.
This week my 74-year-old father was asked if he was pregnant.
No one was more stunned than bald, beer-swilling, former rugby-playing David.
To her credit, the poor nurse looked similarly horrified as she posed the question ahead of a CT scan.
But, she explained, she had forms to fill and boxes to tick. She was following official guidelines.
Which included verifying that my dad’s small-to-middling pot-belly was not, in fact, a blossoming human foetus.
That, despite a lack of child-bearing hips, my monk-haired, 5ft 7in, 13st father may be ready to bear a child.
In short, my dad’s would-be immaculate conception makes the Virgin Mary’s own sterling efforts seem run-of-the-mill.
In that painful three-minute exchange with the kindly nurse at a Berkshire hospital, three babies would have been born, eight people admitted into A&E and, crucially, one person would have died from heart or circulatory disease, something my dad is currently undergoing tests for.
In a time of strikes and grave staff shortages, those three minutes could, and should, have been spent so much more wisely. Saving lives, not saving face with the wokerati.
My dad is at (non-birthing) pains for me to point out that the nurse was, in all other ways, brilliant, kind and generally everything an NHS nurse should be.
But thanks to neurotically PC, terrified-to-offend health bosses, all common sense is being stripped from her vocation.
Flair, intuition and instinctive medical sixth sense is being over-written, replaced by endless red tape, bureaucracy and a pandering to woke insanity.
Those unwilling to accept 74-year-old blokes will never experience their waters breaking.
Now it emerges the NHS is to spend £100,000 teaching doctors how to talk to pregnant trans men.
Key frontline staff will be reminded to use terms such as “chest feeding” and “pregnant people”.
Health bosses are rolling out a “package of resources to trust maternity units to improve inclusion of trans and non-binary people”, including “pronoun alerts” and “language preferences” for talking about bodies.
Medics should care more about preserving life, not live in fear at misgendering.
Last week the Cambridge English Dictionary updated its definition of “woman” to include anyone who “identifies as female” meaning, once again, the national debate is being taken over by the trans one.
Trans people account for approximately one per cent of the population, yet the conversation around them is disproportionately huge.
While the intention is largely honourable — and often necessary — in many cases it can backfire, stirring up confusion, resentment and, sadly, in many cases, open hostility. This needs to stop.
That there have been so many advances in modern science, and that bearded trans men can now give birth, is incredible.
A phenomenon, 50 years ago, which would have been up there in the miracle stakes with Jesus casually lolloping across water.
There should be generational sensitivities within the NHS, and in order to stay relevant it must adapt and change.
Pregnant trans people — like every cisgender woman — must feel safe, accepted and supremely looked after.
But pregnancy shouldn’t come with a health warning, only a common sense one.
A REAL SMART CARD
GCHQ hopes to encourage more women to apply for cyber jobs.
And last week it released a Christmas card containing seven “fiendishly difficult” puzzles for school kids to get their teeth into.
8GCHQ may be hoping to encourage more women in cyber jobs, but their Christmas challenge is just outright fiendishCredit: PAI can safely say that should the whole newspaper thing not work out, the intelligence agency probably won’t come knocking either.
Aged seven, I failed a verbal reasoning IQ test so badly that the headmistress felt compelled to call in my parents.
Apparently I’d scored about 83. Roughly the same as a golden retriever.
Happily, things – eventually – got a little better for me academically.
But still. Woof.
A CATERER has been forced to apologise after naming a vegan hotdog the “Anne Frankfurter”.
The £7 plant-based sausage was swiftly taken off the menu following an online backlash.
Memo to PR guys: Holocaust victim play-on-words… never, ever funny.
HANDS OFF! . .
IT’S that time of year when anyone going home to parents in the run-up to Christmas is told not to eat a single thing.
Without fail, every December, I’m b******ed for picking at the ham, monstering the Yule log or tucking into a cheeseboard.
8Will you be able to stop yourself from tucking into a cheeseboard in the run-up to Christmas?Credit: Alamy(The year I drunkenly ate an entire stilton on Christmas Eve wasn’t a vintage one).
Essentially, all anyone’s allowed from now until December 25 are scraps of bread from the bin (actual bin, not bread bin).
Merry Christmas one and all!
Stoic Helen gets my vote
8Helen Skelton didn’t win Strictly, but she won in every other senseCredit: JAMES CURLEY AND MAGICMOMENTSUK8The presenter refused to secure the pity vote in the face of her husband’s betrayalCredit: PATHE World Cup of showbusiness is also at an end. Sadly Helen Skelton didn’t win Strictly Come Dancing but, well, she won in every other sense.
The presenter’s stoicism in the face of her husband’s betrayal, and refusal to secure the pity vote by breaking down into showizzy tears at the drop of a hat (VT clip), is credit to the immensely likeable star.
FINALLY, some festive cheer. Bus fares are being capped at £2 for the winter under a Government-backed campaign to encourage people back on to public transport.
The Department for Transport said its £60million subsidy would save almost a third of the ticket price for the average journey and cut emissions and congestion by taking around two million cars off the roads.
Mick Lynch and co, take note.
SORRY TO ALL POSTIES
LAST week I had a little moan about Royal Mail being the latest institution to down tools and go on strike.
Within hours I was bombarded by rightly cross posties.
8Royal Mail should sort out the reasons why rightly cross posties are going on strikeCredit: AlamyOver to reader Mark – a “proud postman with 34 years service”: “Our contracts are being ripped up with later starts and finishes.
“We will be out delivering late into the evening, so in the winter that means working in the dark . . . which in some areas of the country will put us at risk of muggings and robberies.
“Some elderly and lonely people only have contact with their friendly postperson. Some days we are the only one they talk to.
“We are not striking for the fun of it. We are fighting to keep a great, 500-year-old institution going.”
So now I feel terrible. Sorry Mark, and sort it out Royal Mail bosses.
AFTER weeks and weeks of endless talk, politicising, finger pointing and Gary Nevilling, the World Cup is over.
Needless to say it didn’t come home.
But what Sunday night’s brilliant battle did is remind us that we really should have let the football do the talking.
SEASON FOR TAT
AH, to be a true Blue.
The Conservative Party has offered a handy list of stocking-filler ideas for members. “Give your loved ones a Christmas present they won’t find anywhere else”, the email states, entirely truthfully.
8The Tory party is offering some interesting Churchill and Thatcher-themed stocking fillers for their membersOn offer is a stainless-steel Winston Churchill water bottle, a Tory-branded baby bib (I mean, the poor, blameless young soul who’s shoehorned into this) and a Margaret Thatcher “this food isn’t for burning” apron.
Priceless. Or, indeed, £19.95 for the apron.
Story Credit: thesun.co.uk