Valentine’s Day is tough for some.
Like for Tom Brady, for instance – whose supermodel ex-wife recently took the high road after he quit (and un-quit and re-quit) professional football, wishing him “wonderful things in his new chapter”. Ouch. I can’t imagine he’s having the greatest time right now.
Famous footballer or not, the international day of love is not always rosy. While it’s probably not a great idea to rain on the parades of all the loved-up folks in your life, there are some companies making the holiday a little easier.
Here are five hilarious bitter Valentine’s Day gifts to get you through.
Name a cockroach after your ex, and feed it to a meerkat
This Texas zoo will name a cockroach after your ex and feed it to a meerkat live on camera.
Just shoot El Paso Zoo a Facebook message with your ex’s name, and wait patiently until February 14 to watch the namesake roach be devoured during the “Quit Bugging Me” meerkat live event, streamed on Facebook and the zoo’s website.
The names of the exes – and of the roaches – will also be displayed around the meerkat exhibit starting February 11, as part of what the zoo calls “the perfect Valentine’s Day gift”.
“This is a fun way to get the community involved in our daily enrichment activities,” El Paso Zoo event co-ordinator Sarah Borrego told CBS News. “The meerkats love to get cockroaches as a snack and what better way to celebrate Valentine’s Day than by feeding them a cockroach named after your ex!”
If you’re not into the deadly consequences, the Hemsley Conservation Centre in Kent, England and Bronx Zoo, New York, will also name a cockroach after your ex, in exchange for a small donation, as part of their conservation efforts and roach exhibit respectively.
Turn your old love letters into toilet paper
Aussie toilet paper company Who Gives A Crap is accepting old love letters to turn into TP.
“Turn you ex’s empty promises into something useful this Valentine’s Day. Mail us whatever cursed paper correspondence is taking up psychic space in your sock drawer and we’ll send it to our production facilities, where it’ll be magically transformed into 100 per cent recycled toilet paper,” they advertise.
The company has three addresses across Australia, the US and UK accepting letters, and if you mail them in by February 20, they will even send a certificate “so you can let everyone know it’s behind you”.
Shred your ex for free wings
If TP isn’t your thing, US diner chain Hooters will instead shred a picture of your ex in exchange for a free plate of chicken wings.
Hooters locations are offering guests the chance to buy any 10 wings and get another 10 of the same style free, when they allow a Hooters Girl to shred a photo of their ex on Valentine’s Day.
“Those who are dumped, discouraged, broken-hearted, bitter, jilted or just ready for something new can destroy photos of an ex using shredders provided at participating Hooters restaurants or conduct the rip-roaring ritual virtually,” they said.
Customers who shred virtually will receive a free wings voucher to use on Feb 14.
Ditch human companionship and adopt a pet
For something less bitter, the Animal Welfare League Queensland has slashed adoption fees for those wanting to spend Valentine’s Day with a new companion.
The shelter has reduced adoption fees for adult cats to just $29, and $99 for select adult dogs, with more than 200 pets looking for homes.
“We’ve been playing matchmaker for more than 60 years, and as a result, we have rehomed more than 175,000 animals. So you could say our success rate is pretty good. Our team know what they’re doing when it comes to helping people find their perfect companion,” said AWLQ spokesperson Craig Montgomery.
Glitter bomb your enemies
As the petty enterprise that runs all year, Glitter Bomb Your Enemies will mail glitter to your ex to ensure they’ll be cleaning up dazzling confetti for years to come.
Their signature 7-inch tubes of coloured glitter of your choice are spring-loaded, maximising glitter carnage.
“The glitter is stored in a separate compartment making it impossible to hear the glitter inside of the tube. Double or triple the glitter if you’re crazy!” they say.
Story Credit: news.com.au